Conquest - round 2

Those that came to and founded what is now The United States of America, came as conquerors and colonists with no desire to share. They had no desire to be recolonized by new-newcomers and bore a nativist attitude that has permeated the culture. In 1587 in Jamestown, Virginia was their first home, but we all know this land already had its people who lost it through war and bloodshed and persecution, which is surprising to me because those early settlers were religious immigrants - Protestants, Puritants, Anglicans and Quakers who were themselves persecuted for their beliefs.

The new immigration trend, though more subtle, is not perceived as any less ominous. As one of my readers posted in a comment on my last blog post, today's immigrants are not coming in and declaring a hostile take over... there is no blood, no war, just a slow and constant flooding of people from other parts of the world establishing their own communities, impregnating this land with their sounds and smells. The current occupants have recognized the influx and reacted, this time with a pen instead of a sword. Will this finally determine whether the pen is mightier than the sword? That is yet to be seen.

In 1924 the Immigration Act established quotas for "undesirable" immigrants. Today's immigration laws are still based on this document, though those who are "undesirable" have changed quite a bit. The focus moved from "undesirable" Asians to "undesirable" Latinos. We have become the fastest growing minority in this country, warranting a lot of attention.

Because of how this country runs and how much autonomy states have, different states have begun to propose and pass laws that restrict immigrants through sanctions, restrictions and criminalizing their mere existence. Arizona State Senate President, Russell Pearce, sought to pass the 14th amendment that would have denied birthright citizenship to children of undocumented immigrants. Ironically, that has to be the most unAmerican thing I've ever heard of. What happened to the Statue of Liberty's "Give me your tired, your poor/ your huddled masses yearning to breath free"? Do we honestly think the people leaving their own countries, cultures, languages, families, careers seeking political and economic freedom, seeking a future, opportunity and safety for their own families don't fall under that description?

Some of the most hardworking people I've met are immigrants. I've known people who are doctors, lawyers, professionals that have to work as waiters, construction workers, just to be able to feed their families. Lady Liberty welcomed them with open arms and now we're building walls and fences to keep them out. Pearce also authorized SB 1070 that made it a state crime to be an undocumented immigrant, criminalizing entire families. What is this? These people are not criminals, especially in Arizona where families have lived for generations on the same land, the land that was once Mexico.

Alabama has followed suit. Its congress sought to pass a law that requires police attempts to determine the residency status of suspected illegal immigrants. It also makes it a crime for an immigrant to work, solicit work, prohibits landlords from renting them housing, prevents them from gaining access to basic public and local benefits (such as health care) and enrolling in public colleges. Does Alabama think it can get rid of people in this manner, by further marginalizing them? Do they not realize what they're losing? Not just all of the richness of culture, I'm talking about the tangible things... $$MONEY$$! Local economies would fall. Wouldn't it be better to legalize these people that work and spend money and introduce them to the formal sector so they could pay income tax? It would, but we are not dealing with logic. All of this stems from hateful politics - Nativism.

The ancestors of those Americans who now occupy this country sought opportunity in a new land and killed for it. According to the Library of Congress it is estimated that there were 900,000 indigenous people inhabiting this continent. Today they make up less than 2% of the population. These newcomers are just asking for them to share... share the access to opportunity, access to the possibility, access to the competition for the dream. Isn't that what America was founded on? Freedom and capitalism. Isn't that what immigration means? Allowing the market to set the rules of competition with fairness... allowing an even playing field so that those who work hard can have success. At least that's what I have learned that's what this country is based on. That's what these people are running towards... crossing rivers and oceans to get to. Everything America has rejected and mistreated at some point is now what today makes it so incredibly interesting. These laws are un-American and inhumane... these movements are just showcasing America's hypocrisy. Something I know no one wants to recognize when they say they are proud to be Americans.

Miami's War of the Languages

Miami has become the most non-American city in the United States, and while many of us Latin people enjoy living in a hybrid society that reminds us of home; not everyone feels that is something welcoming or enjoyable. This was obvious in a very interesting conversation I had with a girl I met a couple of weeks back. She's an American woman who married a Venezuelan man and moved to Miami... the land of los Latinos. This is the only city in the United States where the unofficial language spoken is Spanish. In most businesses you are greeted in Spanish first and then maybe in English, if you really have a perplexed look on your face when the first words are... "Dime Mima, en que te ayudo." Her reaction to all of the overwhelming Latin takeover has been rather strong. She feels unwelcome.... completely disenfranchised, both in the city she lives in and within the family she has joined as well as with her husbands Latin friends.
This is not the first person I've heard say this. If you are a Latin person and you have managed to find a white american person and dated them, then you are very familiar with this issue. It's not easy at all. How do you blend these two opposing cultures. Latin people are loud, expressive, warm, completely incapable of being punctual (yes, it's a stereotype.... but one we embrace). Contrast this with the way we perceive Americans to be... reserved, more guarded, by the book.... I can only imagine how uncomfortable an American from the north must feel once they get down here and see this "salseo" we have going on.
In her case she feels rejection towards learning the language that surrounds her, because it's an aggression to her culture and country that Miami's Latin population won't culturally assimilate. In fact, the reverse has happened. American people are forced to assimilate to Latin Miami if they want to to participate in this society and community.
In her, I see this serious dilemma. If she doesn't learn Spanish, then it gravely affects her family life as she cannot integrate into her husband's family. If she does learn the language, then she gives in to this social pressure and accepts that her country (in terms of this city) is no longer her own.
To me this is all very interesting. I grew up in Miami and I've lived both in California and Texas and the Latin situation in those states is amazingly different. This can be explained by the immigration patterns and history of each area.
The West was once Mexican territory... from Texas all the way to Wyoming... through war and conquest the Pacific coast  was acquired in the western expansion, culminating in 1848 with the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, the Mexican Cession and later the annexation of Texas. Mexican blood was spilled on these lands, and while the names of the territory changed, many families stayed and decided to adopt a new country and eventually a new language a new national identity.

Miami is a cultural and historical phenomenon and the historical impact that Latin American immigration has had in its culture is unprecedented. The Latin culture here, which is primarily Caribbean and increasingly diversifying to include all Latin American countries, has a more unyielding attitude and more economic power than the predominantly Central American immigrants that have come back to repopulate their "lost" lands in the western states. The Latin American immigrants that have come to Miami in the last 90 years have been predominantly wealthy entrepreneurs, business owners and investors who over time have also come to occupy powerful political positions. Essentially, money talks and the young city of Miami greatly attributes it's growth to Latin American $$, starting with Cuban money from the 1920's - 1960's.

 While this is all true, we have to remember that Miami is located in Florida and Florida is a state in the United States of America. As a proud Venezuelan I cannot expect a country to fully adapt to my culture and to speak my language. Why do we expect, with a condescending attitude, for the official language of this country to change in roughly 6,000 sq miles of the city of Miami?
We are Latin and we are proud, there is nothing wrong with that.... but how angry would we be if an American person came to one of our countries and insisted that everyone speak English because they are establishing a new community. If we don't do it for the American people we love that come to visit our homes here... would we do it for them there? Probably not. So I say we declare a truce. We can respect the each other's cultures and boundaries and understand that... as I read on the wall of Salsa Fiesta in Midtown the other day ...

then the war is no longer a war, it's a collaboration and the whole would be greater than the sum of its parts.

SHOW YOUR PRIDE!

To my dearest San Franciscans and New Yorkers:

HAPPY PRIDE!!

In these most important times for the LGBT community it is of utmost important that we all, whether gay or not, show our support for this community. We are in the midst of a human rights struggle to make sure that all humans regardless of sexual preference have the same rights and access to the institutions that the rest of us enjoy. This is the reason why gay pride week is so important. It is calling attention to the disenfranchised. It is a reminder to all that there is still work to be done especially now when bills, that would allow justice for all, are being proposed in congress. 

While it's history is rooted in protest, (the 1970's protest march against violence towards the gay community in New York) the tone of the march has changed and it turned into a parade that is not just a call to action for gay rights, it's a celebration. We celebrate love, unity, and a communities' fight to be represented in our world.

Update: 5 minutes after I posted this New York's State Senate passed the gay marriage bill (32-29 votes)! Congratulations New Yorkers - there's a lot to celebrate this weekend.

De Tal Palo Tal Estilla

Hace unas semanas, mi brillante madre fue invitada al programa de Jesus Angulo a su programa Entérese, canal 17 WLRN - domingos 6 pm.  Para los que no conocen a mi madre, ella se llama Thais Navarrete y es una increible psicóloga y terapista de familia, egresada de la Universidad Central de Venezuela y ejerce aquí en Miami. En este momento, ella se encuentra desarrollando una serie de charlas y seminarios, con el propósito de proporcionar las herramientas a individuos que les permitan eliminar los bloqueos que les impiden alcanzar la felicidad, tranquilidad y logros personales. En la entrevista, cuyo video pueden disfrutar aqui, Thais habla acerca del abuso y sus diferentes manifestaciones.

De tal palo tal estilla... 

Aquí el video de mi entrevista para AIDS Walk San Francisco en el 2010 en Noticias y Más en Univisión.

Gracias mami por haberme regalado todos los atributos que me asemejan tanto a tí y por haberme formado de tal manera que me ha permitido siempre luchar por alcanzar mis sueños.

The Cowardice of Racism

People should be called out on their racist attitudes and the effects that has on their actions and how those actions affect out society. It's so easy to be a racist undercover, to not tell the that people you are discriminating against how you really feel.
You do it behind close doors, behind their backs, amongst your friends, in front of your children so that you are not called out on your ignorance because you know what you are doing is wrong.
How easy is it to hide behind your culture and say that in your country everyone just hates black people... really? It's easy to hide behind society's "rules" and say that's just the way the world is. So that means you have no discerning power? You can't question those that came before you and say that racist attitudes are wrong?

You will perpetuate hate and worsten our society as you sit there and blindly discriminate and contaminate your children with hate. You will teach them to be ignorant, to be hateful like you, your will hurt them because they live in a multi-color/ multi-cultural society that will not be able to understand because of you... but you will not stand in front of a person of color and explain to them where your ignorant judgements come from.

That to me, is cowardice.

27, soltera y sin hijos. En los años 50s hubiese sido un fracaso. Hoy en día seré un heroe?

Nosotras nacimos (las mujeres entre los 20 y 30 años) en un momento histórico donde ni los roles tradicionales ni los roles en contra de lo establecido aplican del todo. No somos mujeres de los 40 ni los 50 que fueron criadas para tener hijos, mantener un hogar y satisfacer a un marido. Tampoco vivimos durante los 60 y los 70 cuando las mujeres quemaron sus sostenes y se despojaron de los roles femeninos tradicionales. Las mujeres atacaron el ámbito laboral con fuerza en los años 80. Afirmaron su lugar como una fuerza poderosa, exigiendo igualdad en el terreno laboral y han estado dominando el medio desde ese momento.

Ahora en el año 2011 no estamos ni aquí ni allá. Es como si hubiésemos sumado estos dos movimientos resultando en un punto gris que no ha sido definido. Un punto donde mucho se pierde entre las generaciones y los géneros. No hay un rol definido que cumplir. En los años
50 el deber de una mujer era ser una excelente ama de casa, una madre nutritiva, una esposa atenta que tiene la cena lista a la hora de la llegada de su marido y que mantiene los niños callados, etc. Mi mamá me mando un correo electrónico con las 11 reglas para mantener a tu marido feliz (imagen arriba) que produjo en mi una mezcla de risa y asombro. Aunque en este momento no me identifico con los mensajes que leí y hasta me ofendieron, me demostró que el lugar de una mujer en esa época estaba claro y muy bien definido. Ese lugar era el hogar.
Tengo que citar a la película Mona Lisa Smile (traduzco) “Que observarán los académicos cuando nos estudien, el retrato de la mujer de hoy? Ahí están, señoritas: la semejanza perfecta de una graduada de Wellesley, Magna Cum Laude, haciendo exactamente lo que la entrenaron a hacer. Lámina – una académica de Rhodes, me pregunto: ¿si ella recita Chaucer cuando plancha las camisas de su marido?. Lámina – ahora las de carreras de física pueden calcular masa y el volumen de cada albondingon que preparas. Lámina – una faja para liberarte. ¿Que significa eso? ¿Que significa eso?”

Al otro extremo, el movimiento feminista fue definido por su postura de oposición y su actitud no-conformista. Fue una rebelión, cuyo mensaje era - “No, yo no cambiaré mi vida para tratar de conseguir, complacer y atrapar a un hombre.” Pero la reacción violenta hacia los movimientos de feministas radicales que alienaron a varios moderados y tradicionalistas nos han llevado a donde estamos hoy… al Limbo. Ojala esta falta de definición nos motive a buscar un balance entre estos dos mundos. Un balance, que yo siento, nos ha costado encontrar. O sea no quiero quemar mis sostenes pero tampoco me quiero poner una faja.
En la búsqueda por igualdad creo que hemos aumentado nuestras responsabilidades. El mundo tiene tantas expectativas de nosotras y de como realizaremos nuestros roles como mujeres. Yo fui criada para ser una mujer ambiciosa y trabajadora, una profesional que no es definida por su pareja si no por lo que esta en su cabeza y corazón. También me criaron para ser una (futura) esposa y madre nutritiva. Miro a mi alrededor y me pregunto… ¿como es que voy a hacer todas estas cosas y hacerlas bien? En algún momento algo tiene que ceder ¿no? ¿Acaso estamos siendo egoístas al tratar de tenerlo todo?
Tantas expectativas nacen con nosotras en el momento que entramos a este mundo. Las otras mujeres en nuestras vidas nos ven como la futura esperanza que define el movimiento feminista de hoy. Pero ¿qué pasa si escogemos un rol mas tradicional? ¿Si decidimos ser amas de casa estaremos retrazando al moviendo unas cuantas décadas? ¿Mujeres como Simone de Beauvoir se revolcarían en su tumba?
Tengo 27 años es este momento. No estoy casada y no tengo hijos. En cambio tengo diplomas colgados en mis paredes. Si esto hubiese sucedido hace 60 años yo sería una anomalía… un fracaso total. Las personas a mi alrededor dudarían de mi sexualidad, de mi fertilidad, pensarían que soy insoportable o poco atractiva. Hasta en términos de ciencias soy un fracaso biológico al no haberme reproducido. Para mujeres como Simone y hasta mujeres de hoy el que no me haya casado y no haya tenido hijos que “me aten” es motivo de celebración.
Pero no puedo evitar pensar que capaz hemos asumido demasiadas cosas a la vez, demasiadas expectativas de nuestras parejas, hijos, familias, de la sociedad que han sido depositado en nosotras esperando que sigamos avanzando el movimiento pero sin olvidarnos de nuestros hombres. Cuando yo estaba en la universidad mi amiga Alejandra y yo solíamos decir… “OK…renuncio!! No más! Esto es demasiado difícil… por que no puedo ser nada más que un útero… tener hijos y dejar que mi cerebro descanse!” Pero nuestras carreras eran nuestra pasión, así que descansamos un rato y volvimos con fuerza a los estudios.
Los dejo con este ejemplo:
Cuando tenía 16 años mis abuelos me preguntaban cuando me iba a casar, cada vez que me veían. Durante los últimos 11 años mi abuelo ha contado mis novios, y aunque siempre me ha apoyado en mis decisiones de no escoger a la pareja equivocada, se ha preguntado cuando verá a su nieta mayor casarse. Mi abuela, Ama, hasta el sol de hoy, a sus 90 años de edad me pregunta si tengo novio con un tono de esperanza en su voz. Lo mas interesante es que cuando le digo que no hay novio en este momento o que una relación en particular se terminó, ella siempre responde con el mismo tono fuerte y asertivo, “Que bien por ti. Tienes toda la vida por delante para cuidar a un hombre. Ahorita disfruta tu vida y enfócate en tu carrera. Eventualmente llegará tu media naranja.”
Por lo visto esta ambivalencia de familia vs. carrera no es algo que uno descifra con edad. En algún momento encontraremos algún tipo de balance entre la casa y el trabajo, familia y la carrera, ellos y nosotras.

Carlos Castañeda y su pelea por la prensa libre

Hola a todos...
Sé que describí este blog como un blog bilingüe y todavía no he escrito nada en español. Hace unas semanas aplique para una beca con la Fundación Educativa de Carlos Castañeda para poder realizar mi maestría en Periodismo en Español. Tuve que escribir un ensayo acerca de quién es este hombre: Carlos Castañeda. La verdad estoy muy contenta de haberlo hecho ya que aprendí muchísimo acerca de este gran contribuyente de este medio.
Quería compartir con ustedes unos pedazos del ensayo (creo que es muy largo (5 paginas) para ponerlo completo en el blog) ya que me identifiqué con su meta de siempre mantener los medios de comunicación libres de coerción y opresión.

“La prensa nace en estado de esclavitud y súbitamente se torna en la vanguardia de la lucha del hombre por su libertad de pensar, de expresarse, de creer, de reunirse. El hombre necesita el oxígeno de la libertad para vivir con dignidad plena para no ser siervo de los absolutismos ayer y de los totalitarismos hoy, como lo vemos en estos momentos fascinante espectáculo de la liberación de Europa del Este.” (Carlos Castañeda).

Carlos Castañeda fue uno de los periodistas más importantes de Latinoamérica del último siglo y el más importante de Cuba. El ayudó a liberar a la prensa de la esclavitud innata no solo al luchar por su libertad si no al transformar el periódico en algo que el lector quiere experimentar. Él logró que el lector leyera por placer a diferencia de leer solo por necesidad de mantenerse informado y así cambió dicha experiencia. De esta manera, de una forma indirecta, Carlos Castañeda logró que la comunidad se mantuviese informada y ser parte activa en mantener viva la democracia….

…..Castañeda una y otra vez arriesgó su carrera, su vida para defender la verdad, y así dar la noticia de una manera objetiva y verás dándole la oportunidad al individuo de gozar de la información necesaria permitiéndole formar un criterio propio. Como bien dijo, “La libertad de prensa cuando se limita o se coarta, también está limitándose y coartándose la libertad del hombre.” No puede existir una democracia ni la libertad de un pueblo sin la libertad de expresión e información. “Cuando la prensa está limitada, coercida y comprometida eso en efecto compromete la información que reciben los ciudadanos y entonces se compromete la democracia.”

El ciudadano Norte Americano se confía de su realidad libre porque aquí la democracia no ha flaqueado desde la guerra civil. Por mucho tiempo no han sentido la urgencia de proteger la democracia en sus tierras ni ha sido necesario celar a los medios de comunicación para mantenerlos libres de corrupción ya que la constitución severamente los protege bajo The Bill of Rights. En cambio en Latinoamérica y otras regiones del mundo no han tenido este lujo. Hoy en día Venezuela padece de la misma enfermedad que infectó a Cuba hace más de 50 años. Nuestros medios han sido atacados y limitados a pesar de que el pueblo lucha por la libertad de prensa para no perder del todo su democracia.

Cada industria tiene su enemigo. El enemigo de la prensa es el silencio y los regímenes que se sienten amenazados por la verdad buscan silenciar a los medios para permanecer en poder y seguir sometiendo y explotando a sus pueblos. Yo equiparo los fenómenos sociales a las relaciones interpersonales. El abuso del poder de gobernante es lo mismo que el abuso de un padre o una pareja. Hace el mismo tipo de daño que socava y derrumba sus bases, definiendo sus identidades e influyendo en sus pensamientos y actos, convirtiéndolos en títeres de sus intereses. Lo único que los diferencia es su escala. Los latinoamericanos, entonces, nos transformamos en hijos abusados por los gobernadores de nuestras patrias que hemos aprendido a subsistir en un mundo limitado y negligente, controlando la información y atrasándonos en nuestra evolución global. Al igual que un niño necesita quién lo rescate de semejante monstruo, el mundo necesita paladines que nos liberen de estos abusadores. Castañeda fue tal paladín, defendiendo la libertad de prensa. El luchó por el derecho que tenían los ciudadanos de recibir la información necesaria para mantener su democracia. El no tener acceso a la prensa libre es como tener miopía forzada sin acceso a anteojos y así no permitirnos llegar a ver la realidad que nos circundan, perpetuando una rutina enferma.

“No es práctica recomendable para los políticos declarar personas non grata a los periodistas. Recuérdese que los políticos tienen su momento y en su día pasan a la historia, y los periodistas quedan como narradores de la historia de todos los días.”

Han ocurrido cambios sustanciales en la manera en la cual nos comunicamos desde que Castañeda escribió estas palabras. Aunque siguen siendo ciertas, la introducción de las redes sociales a lo cotidiano no solo ha afectado como nos socializamos si no que ha transformado el mundo de los medios de comunicación ya establecidos. Además del periodista, el individuo común se ha transformado en un informante más. A diferencia de los especializados en comunicación, el ciudadano ha encontrado que puede difundir su voz a través de la Internet y sitios sociales como Facebook y Twitter teniendo un impacto inmediato. La introducción de estas herramientas creó un fenómeno que ayudó a elegir al actual presidente en Los Estado Unidos y ha servido para destituir gobiernos en países como Tunicia y Egipto este mismo año. Me pregunto ¿qué habría pensado Carlos Castañeda de estos movimientos populares masivos y como han logrado trascender por encima del control de los gobiernos totalitarios y cimentado la libertad de expresión? Al leer sus palabras: “¿Qué profesión podía ser más útil que el periodismo para contribuir a sanar los problemas de la sociedad? ¿En qué mejor trinchera se podía servir a las causas más nobles?” podemos inferir que estaría gozoso de ver los logros alcanzados y esperaría ansioso el momento en que esta tendencia sin límites, de tumbar gobiernos totalitarios, de las redes sociales llegase a su amada Cuba.

Espero que les haya gustado!

Wise Words From Gaga... dedicated some some very special people

 I never thought I would say that. I like music, it's fun and entertaining and she's quite the character and of course she's a gay icon.... but I would never have imagined what I was in for at her concert.

It was a great coincidence that she performed the week of Miami Gay Pride and it was a central theme in the concert. She yelled out repeatedly "My Miami gays celebrate your pride" and the roar from the crowd was deafening. The crowd responded to her in a way I've never seen before. She commanded, connected with and was completely in sync with her audience... while singing EVERY song and giving her all. I was turned into one of her "Little Monsters" that night but not just because she's amazing and puts on an incredible show, but because I identify with and support every message she relayed at that concert. She talked about gay marriage, bullying and being who you are... even if you're a little weird.

She spoke of fear and how her fans give her the strength and courage to stand up and be who she is in front of millions of people. She really hit these messages home when she sang BORN THIS WAY on the piano.

 All of these topics are close to my heart because people who are very close to me have suffered them. One of my younger brothers, Armando, who passed away in a motorcycle accident in June of 2009, was tormented by all of these when he was younger and struggled with coming out of the closet. He was with me that night singing along to Born This Way and protecting me as always.... 

She gave funds to non-profit organizations that benefit those affected by the earthquake in Japan and through Virgin Mobile donated $20,000 to an organization that helps LGBT youth that have become homeless due to their sexual preference and identity.                                

In San Francisco I had the great privilege to work for AIDS Walk San Francisco, an amazing fundraising event that benefits San Francisco AIDS Foundation. In San Francisco the population most affected by HIV/AIDS is the LGBT community and this organization greatly affects this community by providing services of prevention, care and education in the heart of the Tenderloin - the epicenter.  For all of my friends in the west coast... SIGN UP, WALK AND DONATE. There's plenty of work to be done and I know we are capable of effecting change together.

So Gaga... you have another fan and supporter in me. If possible you should perform at the Walk in San Francisco on July 17th. I know it would raise awareness and funds for this amazing organization on it's 25th anniversary!

A big hug and kiss to my amazing friend Luis who's birthday was that very night, who is a huge Gaga fan and with whom I celebrated Pride last weekend!

Thank you to my friend Bobby who invited me to such an awesome experience!

The Ad that Inspired "27, single and childless. In the 1950's I would have been a failure. Today am I a hero?"

So I decided to give everyone the full view of this Ad that I reference in that blog post....
It's in Spanish so I'll subtitle in English.



The Guide to being a good wife. 11 rules to keeping your husband happy. Be the wife he always dreamed of.




1. Have dinner ready.
Plan a delicious dinner ahead of time so it's ready upon his arrival. This is one way to let him know that you have been thinking about him all day and that you worry about his needs. Most men come home hungry. Prepare his favorite dish.




2. Look beautiful. Rest 5 minutes prior to his arrival so you will look refreshed and gleaming. Touch up your make up, put a ribbon in your hair and look your best for him. Remember that he has had a hard day and has only been with his coworkers all day. 




3. Be sweet and interesting. His boring work day probably needs to improve. Your duty is to do whatever possible to achieve this. One of your obligations is to distract him.




4. Tidy up your house. Your house should look impeccable. Do a last minute sweet around the house right before he gets home. Pick up the school books, toys and clean the table tops with a feather duster. 




5. Make him feel like he's in paradise. During the colder months of the year you should light the chimney before he gets home. Your husband will feel like he has arrived at a paradise of rest and order, this will cheer him up. After everything, making sure he is comfortable will bring you an enormous sense of personal satisfaction.




6. Prepare the children. Brush their hair, wash their hands and change their clothes if necessary. They are his little treasures and he will like to see them gleaming.



7. Minimize the noise. At the time of his arrival, turn off the washer, dryer, and vacuum and try to keep the children quiet. Think of all the noise he has had to endure during his hard day at the office.



8. Try to look happy. Give him the gift of your smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Your happiness is his reward for his daily efforts.




9. Listen to him. You may have a dozen of important things to say to him, but when he gets home is the worst time to talk. Let him speak first, remember that his topics are more important than yours.




10. Put yourself in his shows. Don't complain if he comes home late, if he has fun without you or if he doesn't come home all night. Try to understand his world of responsibilities. Try to understand his world of pressure and responsibilities and his need to be relaxed when he's home.



11. Don't complain. Don't flood him with your insignificant problems. Whatever your problem is, it's just a mere detail in comparison to what he's had to go through.

A good wife always knows her place



Extra! Make him feel at ease. Let him settle into his chair or lay down in the bedroom. Have a drink ready for him. Fluff his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a pleasant voice.



Giving You Guys A Clue

This blog post is dedicated to my guy friends and the fortunate fools that have dated my friends and I but royally F*^&ed it up and made a lasting impression that led to this blog post.

Sometimes I wonder if we should tell the men who mess it up what they actually do to get a swift kick in the rear from us. Very rarely have I actually laid out for a guy and given him a break down of what he did to make me lose interest... actually I think I've only done it once and surprisingly, he thanked me for it. Needless to say I was expecting a totally different reaction. So I thought I'd give you guys a clue as to what the girls are saying after the dates with you in the shape of do's and don'ts:

• Don't Over Promise and Under Deliver

This is a classic and sooooo annoying. Guys, please don't promise us the moon and then expect us to settle for a paper cut out of the moon. If you tell us something follow through on it. We set our expectations on these things... you tell me you're planning this amazing date, romantic dinner and then down grade to coffee, I'm going to wonder why. There's nothing wrong with coffee but if you start with dinner and a walk on the beach... it's just blah and then I think you're just not that interested anymore.

• Read the Signs!

Please read our signals and expressions. You would not mess up nearly as much as you do if you only PAID ATTENTION. If we are not really feeling you... you know. There's the awkward silence, weird pauses. If we're not asking questions about you/ your life/ your family then we're not really into you. So either change up your strategy or give up. Don't force it and don't force your self on us.

• Build the Momentum

The last point leads to this point and culminates in the next. Build up the date (or whatever the experience). If you haven't touched me all night... no sort of physical interaction, then don't expect to get much of ANYTHING at the end of the night. Don't be shocked if I just give you a quick peck goodnight. There's no build up that would make you think anything sexual is happening that night... so why are you shocked when you go home alone? Women are not like men. We don't turn off and on like a light switch. Foreplay for us doesn't start just in the bedroom. The whole night is foreplay, the conversation, the setting, the playful touching, the kissing.... all of it. So work it the whole way through and earn your way into her bed.

• If You Didn't Earn Your Way In.. DON'T FORCE IT

OK.. so you were lazy and we're not into it, or you gave it your best shot but we're still not into it. If you paid attention and read the signs we should be on the same page. Just in case we're not on the same page when you make a move our reaction resembles a scene from Pepe Le Pew and Penelope. If I'm wriggling out of your grip that's not code for "put your back into it"... or use your vice grip to hold me tighter and shove your tongue down my throat. Don't make me shove you off of me and make me so uncomfortable and angry that all that I want to do is leave.... and then you have the balls to say....

• "Relax..." Really?? Don't Say It.. 

Just delete it from your vocabulary because it causes the adverse effect. If you tell someone (of either gender) to relax they're only going to get even more tense or upset. In the aforementioned situation when a man says "... just relax" or "don't be such a prude," to us all he is saying is.... "hey, just let your guard down so I can feel you up and get into your pants and let me manipulate you into my bed." In which case I don't to relax (hence my Penelope like pose above). I just want you off of me. This is my personal pet peeve... I'm perfectly fine and if you'd quit trying to force yourself on me, I'd relax.

• Wait

Why do you guys expect sex right away? I mean what have you actually done to deserve it? This one I think is actually our fault. If you read my last post you know that we keep thinking that rules about sex have changed and they haven't. So we give it up so quick we've spoiled you into thinking you actually deserve it. Most of the time men haven't  but women do it anyway for one of 4 reasons


She thinks this is going somewhere and that youwill be there tomorrow. She feels safe enough to let you in.

1. She thinks this is going somewhereand that you will be there tomorrow. She feels safe enough to let you in.
2. She's insecure and looking foracceptance of validation. She gives it up to keep you interested.
3. She's over the emotions and justwants sex. She's realized that you're as deep as the shallow end of the kiddiepool, but the carnal attraction is still there and she wants some action.
4. Or, wants something from you andshe knows how to get it. 

The other reasons that she's sleeping with you probably stem from one of these... In case I missed one please feel free to comment below.

• Do The Work

If you are fortunate enough to get into our pants please DO THE WORK. Don't f@!& up and make us regret it. Don't make us add a notch to our bed post in vain... because you know we're counting and trying to keep that number down. I'm not about to waste one of those notches on a so-so experience, so you better be worth it. We all know that women are built differently then men. This has not been a secret for a long time now... so you should know what you are doing.  If you're not doing that work then either your lazy or selfish and that's just not attractive so there will be no second time... unless we really like you  and then we may give a couple more chances just in case but if you don't get with it... it wont last long.

• Don't Be Stupid!

Seriously, this one is simple. I've seen guys do the dumbest things. Be smart.... I know you have a brain in there some where.... use it! Get out of your own way. Use the correct head for goodness sakes! We understand that your first and primary goal is to sleep with us. This is public knowledge. All the books from Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, to Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, to He's Just Not That Into You have spelled it out to us in various ways in case we hadn't figured it out. We know that you guys fall in love later on and that every initial effort is aimed at getting into our beds. When you do stupid things you're just standing in your own way of getting your ultimate goal... be it getting in bed with us or more. The stories I've heard from my friends plus my own experiences can fill up a book... but there's no need for example you all know what "stupid" covers.

• Be Real and Original

Please believe that being yourself is enough. Nothing (well, almost nothing) is more of a turn off than someone pretending to be something they're not. I know you guys feel the same way about that. If you're holding back just to appear more interesting, that just makes it seem like you've got something to hide which makes me uninterested at best and want to run in the opposite direction at worst. Please be original. We're tired of hearing the same BS over and over again. Come up with something new and pair with something classic... for example: CALL... Don't text. So many girls complain that guys don't call anymore... they just text ALL the time. Wanna be different? Go old school and pick up the phone, be a gentleman, open a door, pull out a chair. It'll distinguish you from the others so you're not just that guy I met at some place once.

• Keep It Up!

In every sense of the word. Don't just sweep us off our feet for a week and then drop the ball. Be consistent and show us you're actually interested and don't have a serious case of dating ADD. If she's smart enough she'll realize you're different from every other douche bag.

With ALL of that said I'm a firm believer in that people do what they want. If someone is into you they'll show it... male or female. The idea here is to give you guys a peek into how we feel about some of the retarded things you try to pull and if you really want us to let you stick around... please refrain from any of the above. If I've left some major cataclismic mistake please feel free to post a comment below.

The Sexual Revolution... I Know We Went Through it, But Did They?

We all know how the sexual revolution took place in the United States. Birth control was introduced and women realized that sex was not just for making children, but also for pleasure. Women's suffrage movement and the sexual revolution completely changed our role in the world.... at home.... at work... but it also changed our relationships with men.

Women made the decision to be viewed differently by the world, an though it was successful in doing so in most of the arenas of the world, when it comes to romantic relationships with men I really wonder... Did they go through the Sexual Revolution too?
I don't think they burned the bras. I don't think it was them who realized that their bodies where their own and that they could choose. I don't think they fought the battles or even remember that they were in fact battles that were waged. They still see us in the same way they used to when it comes to romantic relationships:

They are the hunters. We are the prey.

The truth is that the rules of dating have changed for us, but not for them. So, essentially, we are playing two different games on the same field, which can be very dangerous because there is no referee on the field. There is no such thing as equal opportunity dating. We have come to believe that times have changed and men changed with them. We think they will not judge us if we sleep with them too soon, but they do. We think it's OK to make the first move and that we can call him whenever we want because it's 2011 and why should we wait by the phone? Why can't we be proactive? Because to them that's not our place, that's their job and not ours. But even though the rules may be the same, the lines can get blurry and confusing. For example: If you like a guy and he lives across the country... what are you supposed to do? If you go visit him and pay your own way then you're giving it to him on a silver platter. If he pays your way then there's expectations when you get there. If you don't go at all you miss you on what can possibly be an amazing experience. So what are you supposed to do? I guess it all depends about what you want or expect. 
When it comes to all other aspects of our life we are taught to go out and find what we want and fight for it if we have to. The clause here is: that doesn't apply when it comes to romantic relationships with men. As a woman, you cannot go out and actively pursue a man. It just doesn't work. It does matter who makes the first move; it does matter who calls who and it does matter how long you wait until you let him lay a finger on you. That part of the game didn't change. We are still prey and they are still the hunters and they love the thrill of the chase.  I don't particularly like this because I don't like the appear weaker then I am just to appease their egos. I have to be less of me so you can be more of you?

In my opinion we have to be strong women because the world that surrounds us requires it, however; we have to be delicate and approachable so we are not scary. Did I put on a big scary mask and say "BOO!" to make you turn pale and run in the opposite direction?...

How did a 120 lb woman become scary to a man? To me this is hilarious. The more accomplished we are, the more intimidating we become... and then you meet a guy who's self-esteem is so low all he wants to do is put you down and minimize what you're about... reduce to the minimal expression of yourself, just so he can feel like a man. To me... that's the sorry excuse for a man... the kind that has to assert himself by intimidating you, making you feel scared...To some your success makes them feel unnecessary... and therefore less masculine. We let experiences like that, with "men" like those, convince us that we cannot be all that we can be and find a man that will accept us for who we are. How many women downplay their achievements and their brains to get a guy?
This is the part of men not evolving that I don't agree with... the part I can't stand. But there are two great things that come with playing the game on their terms:
1 - If we really understand that this as a position of power, it makes it not just tolerable but rewarding. Let him hunt all he wants.... embrace being a woman... being the prey. There is a saying in Spanish, "El hombre propone y la mujer dispone." - The man proposes and the woman chooses.  This is the chance we get to really be romanced by a man. The part that we yearn for and that we don't get to see nearly as much as we'd like. This is where we mess up. We want to show them how strong and independent we are and we miss out on all the romance. I mean, men have waged wars for the women they loved. Remember Helen of Troy and the subsequent battle of Troy?... she let him cross an ocean and lead a war for her affections. The least we could do is let them light some candles, send us messages... pick us up at home and walk us to the door. Let them flash their feathers like peacock and show us how great they are remembering everything we are worth.
This brings me to point number 2.
2- Picking men who admire us for being the amazing and accomplished women that we are and that don't feel threatened or emasculated. Just because I can provide for myself and I am successful, it does not mean he is less of a man. We should pick men that are at our level... emotionally, intellectually and physically. That's what I like to call the trifecta. The guy you can have a connection with on those three levels is rare and priceless. We usually see two out of the three... and we settle... well I want more. I want the trifecta, I deserve it and so does every other woman I know.
I think the only way get there is to get on the same page with them.  What I gather is that the women's sexual liberation changed the way WOMEN establish relationships, but not the way men see them. To them the fact that we are playing by a different set of rules gives them an easy way to get a lot of stuff from us for free. The truth is if you want this package you have to make an investment... work for it and I don't mean buy your way in. I mean sweep me off my feet, show me you are worth my time and mean it because I am smart enough to see right through your crap. Be a man and I'll be a woman... the amazing, independent and secure woman that I am.

27, single and childless. In the 1950's I would have been a failure. Today am I a hero?

We were born (we being women in their 20's and 30's) in a time where neither traditional roles nor anti-establishment roles apply. We are not women of the 1940's or 1950's that were bred to bear children, keep up a home and please a husband. We also weren't around in the 1960's or the 1970's when women burnt their bras and shed all their ties to traditional female roles. Women took the work force by storm in the 1980's, asserted themselves as power players, demanding sexual equality in the work place and have been kicking professional ass ever since.

Fast-forward to 2011 and we are neither here nor there.

It's like we've added those 2 movements together and come up with an unfamiliar gray area that isn't quite as defined. An area where a lot gets lost in translation between genders and generations. There is no defined role to fulfill. In the 1950's you had to be the great home maker, raise your children properly, take care of your husband, have dinner on the table when he arrived, keep the children quiet etc. My mother sent me most hilarious email with 11 rules to make your husband happy (picture above). While I can't currently identify and it actually makes me gag, it showed the place of a woman as clear cut and defined. That place was at home.
I have to quote the film Mona Lisa Smile "What will future scholars see when they study us, a portrait of women today? There you are ladies: the perfect likeness of a Wellesley graduate, Magna Cum Laude, doing exactly what she was trained to do. Slide - a Rhodes Scholar, I wonder if she recites Chaucer while she presses her husband's shirts. Slide - hehe, now you physics majors can calculate the mass and volume of every meatloaf you make. Slide - A girdle to set you free. What does that mean? What does that mean? "

On the opposite side, the feminist movement was defined by it's opposition and non-conformist attitude. It was the rebellion... No, I will not bend my life to try to get, please and keep a man. But the backlash to some of the radicals of the feminist movement that alienated many moderate and traditional women has led us to where we are today... Limbo. Hopefully this lack of definition prompts us to seek a balance between these two worlds. A balance, I feel, we struggle to find. I mean I don't want to burn my bra, but I don't want to strap on that girdle either!
With the search for equality I think we also upped the ante. There are so many roles I am expected to execute to perfection. I was raised to be an ambitious and hard working woman, a professional that is not defined by a partner but rather by what is in my head and in my heart. I was also raised to be a nurturing (future) wife and mother. I look around, however, and wonder... how am I supposed to do all of this and do it well? At some point something's got to give, right? Are we being selfish when we try to have it all?
So many expectations are placed on us upon our arrival into this world. The other women in our lives saw us as beacons of hope that would define the future of the Woman's Movement. But what happens if we chose to take on a more traditional role? If we decide to be housewives do we kick back the feminist movement a couple of decades? Would women like Simone de Beauvoir turn in their graves?
I am 27 years old now. I am not married and I don't have children. Instead I have diplomas hanging on my walls. If this were 60 years ago I'd be an annomally.... completely unsuccessful. People would be wondering if I was either a shrew, a lesbian, baren or simply unwanted by the opposite sex. Even in terms of today's science I am unsuccessful because I haven't reproduced. For women like Simone and even women of today I am celebrated for getting this far without a husband or child to "hold me back."
I can't help but think that maybe we've taken on too much. Too many expectations that our spouses, our children, our families and that society places on our shoulders... hoping we keep the "movement" going forward but at the same time don't leave our men behind. When I was in college my friend Alejandra and I used to say... "Ok... I quit!! I'm done! This is too hard.... why can't I just be a uterus... have babies and give my brain a rest!" But this was our passion... so we took a break and went back to hit the books.
I'll leave you with an example:
Since I was 16 years old my step-grandparents would both ask me when I was getting married. For 11 years my step-grandfather has counted the amount of boyfriends I've had, and although supportive about my not settling for the wrong person, has wondered when the time will come when he'll see his oldest granddaughter (and up till a couple years ago the only granddaughter) wed. My step-grandmother, Ama, to this day at 90 years old asks me if I have a boyfriend with a hopeful tone. The twist is that when I tell her that I either don't or that a particular relationship ended she always replies with a strong assertive tone, "Good for you. You have your whole life ahead of you to take care of a man. Have fun and worry about your career for now."
I guess this ambivalence of family vs. career is not something that will be figured out with age. At some point we will find some semblance of balance between home and work, family and career, them and us.