Giving You Guys A Clue

This blog post is dedicated to my guy friends and the fortunate fools that have dated my friends and I but royally F*^&ed it up and made a lasting impression that led to this blog post.

Sometimes I wonder if we should tell the men who mess it up what they actually do to get a swift kick in the rear from us. Very rarely have I actually laid out for a guy and given him a break down of what he did to make me lose interest... actually I think I've only done it once and surprisingly, he thanked me for it. Needless to say I was expecting a totally different reaction. So I thought I'd give you guys a clue as to what the girls are saying after the dates with you in the shape of do's and don'ts:

• Don't Over Promise and Under Deliver

This is a classic and sooooo annoying. Guys, please don't promise us the moon and then expect us to settle for a paper cut out of the moon. If you tell us something follow through on it. We set our expectations on these things... you tell me you're planning this amazing date, romantic dinner and then down grade to coffee, I'm going to wonder why. There's nothing wrong with coffee but if you start with dinner and a walk on the beach... it's just blah and then I think you're just not that interested anymore.

• Read the Signs!

Please read our signals and expressions. You would not mess up nearly as much as you do if you only PAID ATTENTION. If we are not really feeling you... you know. There's the awkward silence, weird pauses. If we're not asking questions about you/ your life/ your family then we're not really into you. So either change up your strategy or give up. Don't force it and don't force your self on us.

• Build the Momentum

The last point leads to this point and culminates in the next. Build up the date (or whatever the experience). If you haven't touched me all night... no sort of physical interaction, then don't expect to get much of ANYTHING at the end of the night. Don't be shocked if I just give you a quick peck goodnight. There's no build up that would make you think anything sexual is happening that night... so why are you shocked when you go home alone? Women are not like men. We don't turn off and on like a light switch. Foreplay for us doesn't start just in the bedroom. The whole night is foreplay, the conversation, the setting, the playful touching, the kissing.... all of it. So work it the whole way through and earn your way into her bed.

• If You Didn't Earn Your Way In.. DON'T FORCE IT

OK.. so you were lazy and we're not into it, or you gave it your best shot but we're still not into it. If you paid attention and read the signs we should be on the same page. Just in case we're not on the same page when you make a move our reaction resembles a scene from Pepe Le Pew and Penelope. If I'm wriggling out of your grip that's not code for "put your back into it"... or use your vice grip to hold me tighter and shove your tongue down my throat. Don't make me shove you off of me and make me so uncomfortable and angry that all that I want to do is leave.... and then you have the balls to say....

• "Relax..." Really?? Don't Say It.. 

Just delete it from your vocabulary because it causes the adverse effect. If you tell someone (of either gender) to relax they're only going to get even more tense or upset. In the aforementioned situation when a man says "... just relax" or "don't be such a prude," to us all he is saying is.... "hey, just let your guard down so I can feel you up and get into your pants and let me manipulate you into my bed." In which case I don't to relax (hence my Penelope like pose above). I just want you off of me. This is my personal pet peeve... I'm perfectly fine and if you'd quit trying to force yourself on me, I'd relax.

• Wait

Why do you guys expect sex right away? I mean what have you actually done to deserve it? This one I think is actually our fault. If you read my last post you know that we keep thinking that rules about sex have changed and they haven't. So we give it up so quick we've spoiled you into thinking you actually deserve it. Most of the time men haven't  but women do it anyway for one of 4 reasons


She thinks this is going somewhere and that youwill be there tomorrow. She feels safe enough to let you in.

1. She thinks this is going somewhereand that you will be there tomorrow. She feels safe enough to let you in.
2. She's insecure and looking foracceptance of validation. She gives it up to keep you interested.
3. She's over the emotions and justwants sex. She's realized that you're as deep as the shallow end of the kiddiepool, but the carnal attraction is still there and she wants some action.
4. Or, wants something from you andshe knows how to get it. 

The other reasons that she's sleeping with you probably stem from one of these... In case I missed one please feel free to comment below.

• Do The Work

If you are fortunate enough to get into our pants please DO THE WORK. Don't f@!& up and make us regret it. Don't make us add a notch to our bed post in vain... because you know we're counting and trying to keep that number down. I'm not about to waste one of those notches on a so-so experience, so you better be worth it. We all know that women are built differently then men. This has not been a secret for a long time now... so you should know what you are doing.  If you're not doing that work then either your lazy or selfish and that's just not attractive so there will be no second time... unless we really like you  and then we may give a couple more chances just in case but if you don't get with it... it wont last long.

• Don't Be Stupid!

Seriously, this one is simple. I've seen guys do the dumbest things. Be smart.... I know you have a brain in there some where.... use it! Get out of your own way. Use the correct head for goodness sakes! We understand that your first and primary goal is to sleep with us. This is public knowledge. All the books from Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, to Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, to He's Just Not That Into You have spelled it out to us in various ways in case we hadn't figured it out. We know that you guys fall in love later on and that every initial effort is aimed at getting into our beds. When you do stupid things you're just standing in your own way of getting your ultimate goal... be it getting in bed with us or more. The stories I've heard from my friends plus my own experiences can fill up a book... but there's no need for example you all know what "stupid" covers.

• Be Real and Original

Please believe that being yourself is enough. Nothing (well, almost nothing) is more of a turn off than someone pretending to be something they're not. I know you guys feel the same way about that. If you're holding back just to appear more interesting, that just makes it seem like you've got something to hide which makes me uninterested at best and want to run in the opposite direction at worst. Please be original. We're tired of hearing the same BS over and over again. Come up with something new and pair with something classic... for example: CALL... Don't text. So many girls complain that guys don't call anymore... they just text ALL the time. Wanna be different? Go old school and pick up the phone, be a gentleman, open a door, pull out a chair. It'll distinguish you from the others so you're not just that guy I met at some place once.

• Keep It Up!

In every sense of the word. Don't just sweep us off our feet for a week and then drop the ball. Be consistent and show us you're actually interested and don't have a serious case of dating ADD. If she's smart enough she'll realize you're different from every other douche bag.

With ALL of that said I'm a firm believer in that people do what they want. If someone is into you they'll show it... male or female. The idea here is to give you guys a peek into how we feel about some of the retarded things you try to pull and if you really want us to let you stick around... please refrain from any of the above. If I've left some major cataclismic mistake please feel free to post a comment below.